Bipolar or not?
I still have no idea to this day if I not only suffer with anxiety and/or depression at certain points in my life or if it is truly Bipolar.
I hadn't thought of it much until I received a letter from the GP practice inviting me for an annual review for mental health and to say that I'm entitled to a flu jab because I'm in the 'vulnerable' adults category.
Every time a new GP looks at the file its there... the words Bipolar... and everytime I always say...
well its debateable!
In October 2007 I couldn't sleep, I was homesick and had struggled to really connect to the area and make friends. I felt trapped and couldn't get worries out of my head, they knocked around in there all night and got between 1 to 2 hours sleep a night if I was lucky. I saw an original GP who placed me onto Fluoxetine and sleeping pills called Zolidem.
I didn't feel better, I felt worse, I stopped talking and I had to take time off work which I hated but also needed.
This lead to paranoia, I thought everyone hated me and I'd ring my parents up everynight explaining time after time how everytime a stranger walked past me they coughed, because I was on sick pay and a drain on society. Soon I'd completely lost touch with relality and started to connect everything to the belief that people were watching me via CCTV cameras... everywhere.
It made it hard for me to go out and I was convinced that the Police would find me guilty of something even though I'd committed no crimes. A lot of details from this time, I believe my brain has naturally blocked out, but I do remember one night whilst not being able to sleep, I saw a black and a white cat fighting in the street just outside and after that I saw this as a sigh of 'Ying and Yang' and the next day I decided to write all these occurances down to see if there were truly any connections.
All I wanted was for someone to take me to my GP and say "shes not normally like this" I was in a place far from home and under a GP that hadn't known me really at all to know that this was completely out of character. In the end it took my mum to make a call to the GP which gave them more of an idea, I also took in the diary I'd been writing and straight away I was given Quetiapine which was used as an antipsychotic, my brain slowed and I resembled a Zombie but I slept for what felt like months!
I was also signed up for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) which was truly amazing as we worked through all my notes and bit by bit decided if this could have actually happened or just in my mind.
When I felt slightly better I wanted to take on the world! Going for Indian head Massages, back massages, Crystal healing therapy, Reiki. I went for spray tans and acrylic nails.
I had my long blonde locks chopped at the hairdressers and I asked for the 'Victoria Beckham' bob but with black hair and pink highlights! I decided this wasn't the right look so I dyed my hair back blonde but it looked orange! I look back at the photos now and I think what on earth was I ACTUALLY THINKING?!? I joke now with my sister that I resembled Nessa from 'Gavin and Stacey' "TIDY!"
I was trying to find my identity again after thinking I would never get better, but I spent a lot of money in the process.
Everywhere I went reminded me of being ill I felt ashamed to go to the same places and be in the same house I'd felt so rough in.
I left my home and my relationship with just 1 bag and headed back to where I belonged... my childhood home where I felt completely safe.
I saw a Psychatrist back home in November 2008, he took me off tablets slowly but I came off completely by Dec 2008. After listening to my story he didn't believe that I had Bipolar just a severe case of depression and being left without the right help for a long period didn't help, but I've leant from this experience. There are other details which I will ommitt as I don't feel like I can air this right now.
I will write more on this topic as and when it comes to me.
I hadn't thought of it much until I received a letter from the GP practice inviting me for an annual review for mental health and to say that I'm entitled to a flu jab because I'm in the 'vulnerable' adults category.
Every time a new GP looks at the file its there... the words Bipolar... and everytime I always say...
well its debateable!
In October 2007 I couldn't sleep, I was homesick and had struggled to really connect to the area and make friends. I felt trapped and couldn't get worries out of my head, they knocked around in there all night and got between 1 to 2 hours sleep a night if I was lucky. I saw an original GP who placed me onto Fluoxetine and sleeping pills called Zolidem.
I didn't feel better, I felt worse, I stopped talking and I had to take time off work which I hated but also needed.
This lead to paranoia, I thought everyone hated me and I'd ring my parents up everynight explaining time after time how everytime a stranger walked past me they coughed, because I was on sick pay and a drain on society. Soon I'd completely lost touch with relality and started to connect everything to the belief that people were watching me via CCTV cameras... everywhere.
It made it hard for me to go out and I was convinced that the Police would find me guilty of something even though I'd committed no crimes. A lot of details from this time, I believe my brain has naturally blocked out, but I do remember one night whilst not being able to sleep, I saw a black and a white cat fighting in the street just outside and after that I saw this as a sigh of 'Ying and Yang' and the next day I decided to write all these occurances down to see if there were truly any connections.
All I wanted was for someone to take me to my GP and say "shes not normally like this" I was in a place far from home and under a GP that hadn't known me really at all to know that this was completely out of character. In the end it took my mum to make a call to the GP which gave them more of an idea, I also took in the diary I'd been writing and straight away I was given Quetiapine which was used as an antipsychotic, my brain slowed and I resembled a Zombie but I slept for what felt like months!
I was also signed up for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) which was truly amazing as we worked through all my notes and bit by bit decided if this could have actually happened or just in my mind.
When I felt slightly better I wanted to take on the world! Going for Indian head Massages, back massages, Crystal healing therapy, Reiki. I went for spray tans and acrylic nails.
I had my long blonde locks chopped at the hairdressers and I asked for the 'Victoria Beckham' bob but with black hair and pink highlights! I decided this wasn't the right look so I dyed my hair back blonde but it looked orange! I look back at the photos now and I think what on earth was I ACTUALLY THINKING?!? I joke now with my sister that I resembled Nessa from 'Gavin and Stacey' "TIDY!"
I was trying to find my identity again after thinking I would never get better, but I spent a lot of money in the process.
Everywhere I went reminded me of being ill I felt ashamed to go to the same places and be in the same house I'd felt so rough in.
I left my home and my relationship with just 1 bag and headed back to where I belonged... my childhood home where I felt completely safe.
I saw a Psychatrist back home in November 2008, he took me off tablets slowly but I came off completely by Dec 2008. After listening to my story he didn't believe that I had Bipolar just a severe case of depression and being left without the right help for a long period didn't help, but I've leant from this experience. There are other details which I will ommitt as I don't feel like I can air this right now.
I will write more on this topic as and when it comes to me.